by A. K. Crump

Chapters

1. Never Ask for Directions (Introduction)

2. The Perplexing Concepts North, South, East, & West

3. Never Use Turn Signals

4. On Ramps may be no longer than 15 feet

5. Wildlife

6. Always have a Map/Maps are Useless

7. There are no Left Turns

8. Tailgating

9. Backroads, the only way to go

10. Street Signs - The Real Paradox

11. Never leave Home without it (Toll Change)

12. Insurance, or "How to pay a lot for Nothing"

Sample Chapter

Introduction

by A.K. Crump, © Copyright 1998

Around the World it is a universal practice for one group to make another group the butt of its jokes. In England it is the Irish, in France the Belgians and the Swiss, in Australia it's the New Zealanders, and in Canada it's the Canadians (the guys who speak that other dialect). In the United States it can be argued from region to region who the butt of jokes are, being originally from Chicago I've heard an awful lot of Polish jokes. However, wherever you live in the States, it cannot be denied that there is one scapegoat, one infamous target of bad humor, one "fill- in-the-blank" of wisecracks, which rises above all others. This underdog extraordinaire is the State of New Jersey. No other State takes so much abuse from so many people who have so little to feel superior about. We hear this abuse constantly on network television sitcoms. "Watch out Joey, or we'll send you to New Jersey!", "That toxic waste over there smells like New Jersey", "The only place worse than [Siberia, prison, New York] is New Jersey", "Hey, your mother looks like she came from New Jersey!" Some comedians have even gone so far as creating entire careers around jokes about New Jersey. Most of them have never even been to New Jersey, or could locate it on the map. Once while driving through Oklahoma City I heard a radio disk jockey say on his morning show, "The three places I'd least rather be are: My mother-in-law's, Iraq, New Jersey." He knew, like all Americans, that when telling a joke and lacking an original and humorous punchline, there's always the old fallback, New Jersey.

Knowing this fact, one might feel that it's easy to write a book criticizing the State of New Jersey. That is not true, and that is not what this is. I have lived in New Jersey for the last 12 months, and in that year I have learned about life, love, happiness, and unhappiness. These are very important issues to learn about. But without a doubt, I think that the most important thing I've learned in New Jersey is how to drive. Yes, I am an adult, and I had my license long before I came here. The distinction is that when I say in New Jersey I learned how to drive, I mean that I learned how to drive Jersey Style!!

I have driven, or ridden, in automobiles from Paris to Rio, from London to Tokyo, from Rome to Mexico, from Chicago to New York, and I must say that in comparison to them all, driving in New Jersey is one of the singularly most unique, fascinating, and potential life-threatening experiences in the world. In no other place are so many legal rules, common to driving in most civilized countries, completely abandoned in favor of individual objectives. In no other state is the road, sign, and civil engineering system so novel that in order to drive in New Jersey one must have already prepared a living will and stocked emergency rations in the trunk of your car. Forget everything you know about driving, and any analogous connections that you've made between driving and life's little lessons. Throw out the Rules of the Road and anything else that you've brought into this part of the country with you. Don't run out of gas. Don't signal when turning. Don't use maps. Don't make a Left Turn. Don't leave home without change. And whatever, whatever you do,

Don't Ask for Directions in New Jersey!!!